Dear Ollie,

You are one year old! I know everyone says "time flies," 

but having a child really shows you just how quickly the days pass.

Admittedly, when I first found out about you, I was scared, anxious, and upset. I wasn't sure about being a mom. I was back and forth about what I wanted to do. It was a really dark time for me, especially since I didn't even want kids. 

Then, I saw you on an early ultrasound. Just a tiny little blob. And I knew from that day on, I would spend the rest of my life loving you like I had never loved anything. 

Ironic that as soon as I became excited about you, and had accepted the fact that I was going to be a mommy, it was almost taken away from me. 

When you had been in mommy's belly for about 10 weeks, I started bleeding. 

The doctors told me I wouldn't carry you to term. I remember searching their faces for any sign that everything would be okay. I told myself "they're just over-reacting, they're just being cautious."

They all just looked very serious. A midwife told me that you could be born at 20 weeks. 

I searched for a picture of how you would look then.

The baby was so, so tiny. 

I cried and cried. I begged for you to not be taken away from me. 

And I promised that I would never ask for anything else. I was sorry for ever doubting that I needed you in the first place. I was convinced that this was my punishment for not being thankful for you from the very start. 

We made it to 20 weeks. And then it was 21, 22, and we kept making it farther and farther. Eventually, we had another ultrasound appointment. And believe it or not, you had grown so big and strong that you positioned yourself in the perfect place to force the bleed to heal and re-absorb.

So please, don't ever doubt that you are a miracle. 

That you are capable of anything.

That you are the decider of your own fate.

Because even as a tiny little human, growing in my tummy, you saved yourself. 

My heart was broken in a way that no one could have filled, except you.

Thank you for making me your mommy.

Happy First Birthday Ollie. Momma loves you.